Sunday, November 27, 2011

Me after 5...

It has been 5 months since I last shared something in this blog... and also around 5 months of living my quarter life... given that I will have 75 more years to live...

Nothing much has change actually... I am still confuse... and undecided.

I am troubled of what I am feeling, I am worried of what lies ahead.

I fear uncertainties, but I am just clueless...

Clueless of what to do next...

Clueless of which path to take...

Sometimes too scared to move...

Sometimes too scared to stay...

I feel trapped.

Now that I'm free...

Lord, I pray...



Monday, May 23, 2011

Weeeeh....

I just need to blurt this out...

I just hate it when you kind a make simple things complicated...

or blurt things out with your like "you should know that - that's so basic" voice/ attitude...

I just don't like it when you sounded kinda bully.

Just saying...

hay...


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sleeping with a heavy heart...


thank you and good bye...


I yoko na.

Haha... just found a new way of writing it... so I is the noun and yoko na is the verb... taglish! yebah.

Ayoko na... di ko lang masabi.

Ayoko na na maghintay.

Ayoko na na mag-expect ng katiting.

Ayoko na malungkot.

Ayoko na maging least priority.

Ayoko na.

Sorry.

Ayoko na.




Saturday, May 21, 2011

Laban o Bawi?

Sabi niya... babawi raw siya... and I will be surprise.

(Yeah, right..)

But I still bought it.

For some reason, I did see him in my future... on some occasions that we were together... I kinda found myself saying... "Pwede, pwede naman"... Hence, I made my dreams simpler... I made my expectations lower, I made things easy... for him.

But now what? I don't know...

I'm still the same person... maybe more soulful - thanks to Bo Sanchez's blog...
But I still feel I am doing something wrong...

Why am I staying in this relationship?

Is it for me? Is it for him? Why, oh why?

I am 4 hours away by plane ride... we rarely communicate... I seldom miss him now... I don't know if he misses me... I don't know where our relationship is going... we are not sweet... he is not sweet with me... I really don't have any material thing to latch on... I don't have any unique sweet memories/ stories to share... I don't have any love letters to cry myself to sleep... but still I am torn.

Ironically torn.

In spite of the absence...

In spite of the lacking...

In spite of it all...

I think I am secured by the fact that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, even if another volcano erupts, or if he erupts, or if I erupt... I know I will still have him (kapal! hahaha)

or maybe because... I am still hoping that things will get better eventually... (hay!)

so... Laban o Bawi?

(Pera na lang! LOL! labo!)







Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Because I cannot sleep...


Now trying to blog at 4:30 in the morning.

This has been the longest night of my entire stay in Singapore.

I don't know if it's because I stopped taking my anti-allergy medicine which makes me knock down just like Iterax....

or...

I am simply over thinking about things.

or... yeah, it could be both.

A pleasant surprise came my way last Monday. It was an unexpected blessing. I claimed it and true enough, it happened.

Now, Lord... I am confuse...

I know money is not and should not be the only objective but the offer they gave me is quite tempting to forgo... gosh...

But then, there's the relationship issue as well... as as I've said before, building a sound relationship with team mates (should) far outweighs any material wealth as compensation and positions can be both achieve through time and hard work.

But someone is willing to give those things now... significantly higher pay, a permanent senior position, and security of tenure... what more can I ask for?

Of course - good team mates - I am not really sure who they are.. this might be a totally different territory.

And I might forgo a lot of things - my art, my yoga, my peace of mind, my sleep? hehehe... and be stressed out in work... but then again, ano bang trabaho ang hindi mahirap... meron ba nun?

Oo, meron.

pero magiging masaya ba ako sa ganung tipong trabaho?

baka hindi...



Monday, May 9, 2011

Torn for no reason.

I am torn for no reason because I have already decided.
I don't know why am I am letting myself to "suffer" when I can choose to be "free".

I just really don't know!

How clueless can I be???




Relationship versus Compensation


Building a harmonious relationship with the people I work with is important to me. Position and
compensation can be earned through continuous hard work, but it would certainly be difficult to work your best without a supportive team to back you up (Miranda, Joyce; May 9, 2011)


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Eureka! (What?)

I am starting to realize that I still lack "Eureka" moments.

I have been working on in qualitative research for the past three years but then I still feel lacking. I hate feeling this way. I feel insufficient. I feel bad.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Hindi ko maintindihan...

.


Waiting in vain...

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, boy,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.
---
/Guitar solo/
---
Like I said:
It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting - while I'm waiting for my turn,
See!
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/bob_marley/waiting_in_vain.html ]
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love, oh!
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
No, I don't wanna (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No I - no I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't
Wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No, no-no, I, no, I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
It's your love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.
It's Jah love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.


Monday, May 2, 2011

Another day...

This is just another day for both of us to think things through...

At the very end, we just have two options: Either we broke up or we work things the way it should.

Distance is a big factor that holds us apart.

But it shouldn't be a problem if we are pushing with what we planned from the start.

The relationship we shared wasn't a walk in the park.

It was a constant and conscious hard work from the two of us.

Let's talk later and pray for the best...

Whatever happens... I'm just thankful for the relationship that we shared.




When you are in your 25-ish...

When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.

Job

Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country, or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.

When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

Relationships

Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

Counseling

Twenty-five is also a great time to start counseling, if you haven’t already, and it might be a good round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Church

Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

Don't get stuck

This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

Taken from Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist Copyright © 2010. Used by permission of Zondervan. www.zondervan.com

On line.

If you know better...
You will go on-line.


Saturday, April 30, 2011

What if I say NO?

NO is a powerful word.

But I seldom use it.

Not because I do like everything...

Maybe it's just my way of giving in...

But I also don't like the feeling of being boss around...
(Just like anyone for that matter).

So I might just say NO to you once in awhile...



Friday, April 29, 2011

Big God.


In Him I trust.

(so long fear and uncertainty)


A bit scared and uncertain


If I take this plunge now... Will it be worth it in the end?

Given that nothing is certain and my only control is myself.


Order of Relevance

We value a lot of things in life.

But first and foremost, we must know how to value ourselves.

You cannot and should not let others define who you are.

Take time to know yourself, take time to define who you are, acknowledge what you are capable of, and love your discovery!

Understanding oneself is a never-ending process. Learn and re-learn. Go and Forgo. Love and be loved.

New Cheese...

Hope things will turn out as what He wants it to be...

As I gaze to the surface of maze M, I wonder if this should be it.

=)


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Weird dreams

For two straight nights, I have been having weird and bad dreams...

I don't like it.

I think my dreams talk about my fears...

(a) not providing enough for my family back home

(b) having unstable status at present

(c) and my trust-issue-filled relationship

It has been two weeks, but it feels like two months already.

(SIGHS)


An Email to Gala Darling

Hi Gala Darling,

I am not even sure if you would be able to read my email. I know you are a busy person and you probably have hundreds, if not thousands of email in your inbox everyday. I just want you to know that I admire your colorful life. You are brave enough to go for what you want to even changing your name in the process :) I love your creativity and the passion that you show towards your work. Basically, I admire you.

For that you deserve a....
BIG PINK HOORAY!!!!

Oh, I haven't introduce myself yet... I'm Joyce and I am about to turn 25 in a few months - and yes, I think Im in a quarter life crisis.

I moved to Singapore from Philippines (for 2 weeks now) in search of growth and career development. In my heart, I would love to pursue a career in designing but I have been working on my career in market research for about three years. I am helping my mom in terms of finances and for me to have a higher pay I think I have to stick with it (research) for 3 years more, or until my brother graduates from college (2013) :p

Don't get me wrong... I also like doing consumers studies - It's just that... I want to do more, I want to do creative things. I feel alive when I imagine a new product design for a furniture or an accessory. I want to create, I want to somehow immortalize myself with my creations. I want to create my own brand, I want to re-create myself.

I'm praying that God will lead me to the right direction. I am praying for the best.

Thanks Gala Darling! I guess I just need someone who I know understands me.

I pray that in time, doors will open for me to really pursue what my heart desires.


Cheers,
Joycee


Btw, this is Gala Darling:
http://galadarling.com/static/about-gala


No other way...

It has been a tough 2 weeks.

I want to cry, I want to scream.

But I cannot go back.

My family needs me.

And I have to do this for them.



Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Just in time...

God knows when and how.

My EPEC letter came in just in time.

When I feel a bit down and under.

Gosh... what's next? I don't know what :(



Who Moved My Cheese?

Haw realized he had been held captive by his own fear. Moving in a new direction had freed him.


Now he felt the cool breeze that was blowing in this part of the maze and it was refreshing. He took in some deep breaths and felt invigorated by the movement. Once he had gotten past his fear, it turned out to be more enjoyable than he once believed it could be.

Haw hadn't felt this way for a long time. He had almost forgotten how much fun it was.


To make things even better, Haw started to paint a picture in his mind. He saw himself in great realistic detail, sitting in the middle of a pile of all his favorite cheeses-from Cheddar to Brie! He saw himself eating the many cheeses he liked, and he enjoyed what he saw. Then he imagined how much he would enjoy all their great tastes.


The more clearly he saw the image of New Cheese, the more real it became, and the more he could sense that he was going to find it.


Complete the book! Read the pdf file:

http://www.yeshomebizpreview.com/Resources/WhoMovedMyCheese.pdf




Fear

Fear sets me in.

Fear of failure and fear of not making it through.

But I know God has His reasons for putting me here.

I live by my faith in His will and by my love for my family.



Tuesday, April 26, 2011

dub-dub-dub

My heart is a bit pounding... I kinda really want to nail this. But I'm afraid of two things:

(a) I might over do it OR

(b) I might under do it

Oh menh!!! I hope I can pin this one =)

Lord, please help!!! (Breath in, breath out)



Spiritual Blessing.

I am blessed with loving and caring friends and family.

I am thankful everyday that God has surrounded me with the best people and the best support system anyone could ever asked for. In all the stages of my life, God has been able to secure me. He is always working in me, providing me what I need, and assuring me that things will go as He planned and as He promised.

Right now I am blessed to know a lot of friends from different religions, and I am blessed to feel God's love in each one of them.

I believe in God and I have faith in Him and I am happy and blessed being with the Catholic Church together with my family. Amen!



It was the perfect kiss... but then... what?

Last week of June 2009, I met him at a bar. We accidentally bumped at each other and shared the perfect kiss. Yes, we were a match.

After that night, the chase began, and the chase went to several dates and more perfect kisses (e.g. friend's house, the bus station, and yes, there... at that place).

But then what?

No more. No other conversations. No complications. No strings attached. Nothing.

That was the set-up, that was the rule, his rule, that was his game and I like him that much that I agreed.

And as expected, I lost... I figured out I want more.

I want us...

I want my "happily ever after"....

But I guess a perfect kiss doesn't seal the deal after all...




Sweet evening conversations

I hope to have some sweet evening conversations with you before I go to sleep.

Since we are miles apart, I guess this is a basic need that I hope you will take time to give.

Sorry for being needy but I need to have this with you.

I want to know how your day went, I want you to know how my day was spent.

I hope this is not too much to ask.

Because if it is... I don't see the point of having US.