Me after 5...

It has been 5 months since I last shared something in this blog... and also around 5 months of living my quarter life... given that I will have 75 more years to live...

Nothing much has change actually... I am still confuse... and undecided.

I am troubled of what I am feeling, I am worried of what lies ahead.

I fear uncertainties, but I am just clueless...

Clueless of what to do next...

Clueless of which path to take...

Sometimes too scared to move...

Sometimes too scared to stay...

I feel trapped.

Now that I'm free...

Lord, I pray...

XOXO

- the lack of it.

...

KAPAL!!!

I guess I thought I was different...

And I was wrong...

Takte.

Ayoko ng mag-isip.

BOW.

Weeeeh....

I just need to blurt this out...

I just hate it when you kind a make simple things complicated...

or blurt things out with your like "you should know that - that's so basic" voice/ attitude...

I just don't like it when you sounded kinda bully.

Just saying...

hay...

Sleeping with a heavy heart...

thank you and good bye...

I yoko na.

Haha... just found a new way of writing it... so I is the noun and yoko na is the verb... taglish! yebah.

Ayoko na... di ko lang masabi.

Ayoko na na maghintay.

Ayoko na na mag-expect ng katiting.

Ayoko na malungkot.

Ayoko na maging least priority.

Ayoko na.

Sorry.

Ayoko na.

Laban o Bawi?

Sabi niya... babawi raw siya... and I will be surprise.

(Yeah, right..)

But I still bought it.

For some reason, I did see him in my future... on some occasions that we were together... I kinda found myself saying... "Pwede, pwede naman"... Hence, I made my dreams simpler... I made my expectations lower, I made things easy... for him.

But now what? I don't know...

I'm still the same person... maybe more soulful - thanks to Bo Sanchez's blog...

But I still feel I am doing something wrong...

Why am I staying in this relationship?

Is it for me? Is it for him? Why, oh why?

I am 4 hours away by plane ride... we rarely communicate... I seldom miss him now... I don't know if he misses me... I don't know where our relationship is going... we are not sweet... he is not sweet with me... I really don't have any material thing to latch on... I don't have any unique sweet memories/ stories to share... I don't have any love letters to cry myself to sleep... but still I am torn.

Ironically torn.

In spite of the absence...

In spite of the lacking...

In spite of it all...

I think I am secured by the fact that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, even if another volcano erupts, or if he erupts, or if I erupt... I know I will still have him (kapal! hahaha)

or maybe because... I am still hoping that things will get better eventually... (hay!)

so... Laban o Bawi?

(Pera na lang! LOL! labo!)

Because I cannot sleep...

Now trying to blog at 4:30 in the morning.

This has been the longest night of my entire stay in Singapore.

I don't know if it's because I stopped taking my anti-allergy medicine which makes me knock down just like Iterax....

or...

I am simply over thinking about things.

or... yeah, it could be both.

A pleasant surprise came my way last Monday. It was an unexpected blessing. I claimed it and true enough, it happened.

Now, Lord... I am confuse...

I know money is not and should not be the only objective but the offer they gave me is quite tempting to forgo... gosh...

But then, there's the relationship issue as well... as as I've said before, building a sound relationship with team mates (should) far outweighs any material wealth as compensation and positions can be both achieve through time and hard work.

But someone is willing to give those things now... significantly higher pay, a permanent senior position, and security of tenure... what more can I ask for?

Of course - good team mates - I am not really sure who they are.. this might be a totally different territory.

And I might forgo a lot of things - my art, my yoga, my peace of mind, my sleep? hehehe... and be stressed out in work... but then again, ano bang trabaho ang hindi mahirap... meron ba nun?

Oo, meron.

pero magiging masaya ba ako sa ganung tipong trabaho?

baka hindi...

Torn for no reason.

I am torn for no reason because I have already decided.

I don't know why am I am letting myself to "suffer" when I can choose to be "free".

I just really don't know!

How clueless can I be???