...

KAPAL!!!

I guess I thought I was different...

And I was wrong...

Takte.

Ayoko ng mag-isip.

BOW.

Weeeeh....

I just need to blurt this out...

I just hate it when you kind a make simple things complicated...

or blurt things out with your like "you should know that - that's so basic" voice/ attitude...

I just don't like it when you sounded kinda bully.

Just saying...

hay...

Sleeping with a heavy heart...

thank you and good bye...

I yoko na.

Haha... just found a new way of writing it... so I is the noun and yoko na is the verb... taglish! yebah.

Ayoko na... di ko lang masabi.

Ayoko na na maghintay.

Ayoko na na mag-expect ng katiting.

Ayoko na malungkot.

Ayoko na maging least priority.

Ayoko na.

Sorry.

Ayoko na.

Laban o Bawi?

Sabi niya... babawi raw siya... and I will be surprise.

(Yeah, right..)

But I still bought it.

For some reason, I did see him in my future... on some occasions that we were together... I kinda found myself saying... "Pwede, pwede naman"... Hence, I made my dreams simpler... I made my expectations lower, I made things easy... for him.

But now what? I don't know...

I'm still the same person... maybe more soulful - thanks to Bo Sanchez's blog...

But I still feel I am doing something wrong...

Why am I staying in this relationship?

Is it for me? Is it for him? Why, oh why?

I am 4 hours away by plane ride... we rarely communicate... I seldom miss him now... I don't know if he misses me... I don't know where our relationship is going... we are not sweet... he is not sweet with me... I really don't have any material thing to latch on... I don't have any unique sweet memories/ stories to share... I don't have any love letters to cry myself to sleep... but still I am torn.

Ironically torn.

In spite of the absence...

In spite of the lacking...

In spite of it all...

I think I am secured by the fact that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, even if another volcano erupts, or if he erupts, or if I erupt... I know I will still have him (kapal! hahaha)

or maybe because... I am still hoping that things will get better eventually... (hay!)

so... Laban o Bawi?

(Pera na lang! LOL! labo!)

Because I cannot sleep...

Now trying to blog at 4:30 in the morning.

This has been the longest night of my entire stay in Singapore.

I don't know if it's because I stopped taking my anti-allergy medicine which makes me knock down just like Iterax....

or...

I am simply over thinking about things.

or... yeah, it could be both.

A pleasant surprise came my way last Monday. It was an unexpected blessing. I claimed it and true enough, it happened.

Now, Lord... I am confuse...

I know money is not and should not be the only objective but the offer they gave me is quite tempting to forgo... gosh...

But then, there's the relationship issue as well... as as I've said before, building a sound relationship with team mates (should) far outweighs any material wealth as compensation and positions can be both achieve through time and hard work.

But someone is willing to give those things now... significantly higher pay, a permanent senior position, and security of tenure... what more can I ask for?

Of course - good team mates - I am not really sure who they are.. this might be a totally different territory.

And I might forgo a lot of things - my art, my yoga, my peace of mind, my sleep? hehehe... and be stressed out in work... but then again, ano bang trabaho ang hindi mahirap... meron ba nun?

Oo, meron.

pero magiging masaya ba ako sa ganung tipong trabaho?

baka hindi...

Torn for no reason.

I am torn for no reason because I have already decided.

I don't know why am I am letting myself to "suffer" when I can choose to be "free".

I just really don't know!

How clueless can I be???

Relationship versus Compensation

Building a harmonious relationship with the people I work with is important to me. Position and

compensation can be earned through continuous hard work, but it would certainly be difficult to work your best without a supportive team to back you up (Miranda, Joyce; May 9, 2011)

Eureka! (What?)

I am starting to realize that I still lack "Eureka" moments.

I have been working on in qualitative research for the past three years but then I still feel lacking. I hate feeling this way. I feel insufficient. I feel bad.

Hindi ko maintindihan...

.

Waiting in vain...

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, boy,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.
---
/Guitar solo/
---
Like I said:
It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting - while I'm waiting for my turn,
See!
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/bob_marley/waiting_in_vain.html ]
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love, oh!
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna wait in vain.
No, I don't wanna (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No I - no I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't
Wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
No, no-no, I, no, I (I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain) -
It's your love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.
It's Jah love that I'm waiting on (I don't wanna - I don't wanna -
I don't wanna - I don't wanna - I don't wanna wait in vain);
It's me love that you're running from.

Another day...

This is just another day for both of us to think things through...

At the very end, we just have two options: Either we broke up or we work things the way it should.

Distance is a big factor that holds us apart.

But it shouldn't be a problem if we are pushing with what we planned from the start.

The relationship we shared wasn't a walk in the park.

It was a constant and conscious hard work from the two of us.

Let's talk later and pray for the best...

Whatever happens... I'm just thankful for the relationship that we shared.

When you are in your 25-ish...

When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.

Job

Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country, or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.

When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

Relationships

Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

Counseling

Twenty-five is also a great time to start counseling, if you haven’t already, and it might be a good round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Church

Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

Don't get stuck

This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

Taken from Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist Copyright © 2010. Used by permission of Zondervan. www.zondervan.com

On line.

If you know better...

You will go on-line.

Yes, I am moody and needy.

Do I need to say more???